Dateopia

What I’m about to tell you is of no laughing matter except to the universe.  I’m single and have been since 2004.  I know – it’s crazy.  Or, is it because I’m crazy.  Those who know me say it’s because I’m picky, haven’t found the right person or, have bad luck.  To that I say, perhaps.  If I believed in a god, it would be because the path of singlehood is the one I’m supposed to take.  If I was talking to a therapist, perhaps it is because no one compares to my dad.  If I was talking to a dog (god backwards), it would probably smell my crotch (they all do!  I swear, I’m clean).  Anyway, what I’m getting at is due to these circumstances, I have had to resort to online dating.

Online dating?  Well, you did say you were crazy.

I’ve never been afraid of online dating nor have I ever felt weird about doing it.  My first online date was in 2000 when I met a dude via ICQ.  I’m not kidding.  This was around the same time Napster was blowing up and took 20 minutes to download a song.  So, might as well talk to random dudes while my tunes downloaded.  The dude told me he had been messaging girls with the name ‘Jane’ and I ended up being one of them.  We swapped pictures and then started hanging out.  In 2004, I met my last boyfriend on Lavalife which ended pretty soon after I agreed to call him my boyfriend.  Agreeing – that’s kind of a bad sign, huh?

Fast forward to 2000 and late!  I mean 2008.

I move in to my new apartment in downtown Toronto with two newly single sisters who are somewhat embarrassed to tell me that they’ve just opened up an online dating profile.  I hear the motivation (excuses) behind it:

  1. I was drunk when I started it
  2. I went out on the weekend and there are no cool guys
  3. I’m on the rebound and this is a quick, easy solution
  4. I’m just doing it for fun and am totally not serious about it
  5. Curiosity – I just wanted to see what’s out there
  6. I was scanning the profiles before I signed up and I really wanted to message this one guy.
  7. Boredom made me do it
  8. I didn’t even create it.  My friend/sister/roommate/dad/priest/cat did.

I say:  “What?  No way, man, save the excuses.  That’s awesome – been dere, done dat.”  The sisters and I go buck wild.  Three dates in a week sometimes two in a day.  It’s a fun time, even the really weird ones.  I’ve had my fair share of awkward dating moments:

  • conversation (oh, you were diagnosed as psychotic),
  • kisses/makeouts (I can’t breath, too much tongue),
  • fights (I wasn’t artsy enough and therefore, didn’t get him and we all know, I’m a feisty mofo and I don’t take that shit especially when inebriated),
  • law breakers  (aren’t you going to pick up your dog’s poo?  OK, guess not….),
  • super effeminate dudes (I know you’re artsy but are you sure you’re not gay?),
  • aspergers (I love these guys but it’s a tough date when he tells off the server),
  • the smiling silent ‘starers’ (for obvious reasons),
  • knowing people in common (you did what with my sister at Laurier?),
  • body explorations (uh, that’s my bum hole you’re tapping with your finger?)

As I’m simultaneously combusting when the situations happen, I’m actually thriving in the moment.  It is the best shit that can happen.  Think of the stories I have now!  There have been many great dates too but those stories are yawners.

Your awkward dating moments sound like a blast and I want them too!

Look, you don’t need to get sarcastic with me.  All I’m trying to say is that online dating ain’t that bad and no one, I mean no one, needs an excuse to do it.  And it’s great for loads of attention especially if you’re female – you get tonnes of messages right away because you are the ‘new’ face online.  Can’t say the same for dudes but keep on trying with those messages, fellas!  Most messages are from duds but there are a few hopefuls in there.  There are also quite a few guys who seem legitimate and worth messaging and when you get a response, it will most definitely end up in a date (if you choose it to).

Don’t be shy.  Give it a try.

We do everything online and are in this virtual world on average 3 hours a day (I made that number up).  So, why not let it be the ‘place’ where we find our potential boyfriend/husband/lifelong partner/fuck buddy/one night stand/drinking companion/etc.  Both my sister roommates did eventually find their future husbands online.  How about me?  Well, I’ve put off marriage and finding that lucky man so that I can share more dating moments with you.  I currently have a profile on OkCupid (I’m CousinSteve) and Lavalife (Smidgey) and am pretty sure I will have one for as long as I’m single.  Have I convinced you, yet?  (smiley-face)

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