Wow, reading this the next day, I realize how silly this is. I woke up and thought ‘I should delete that post’. But then thought ‘No way, man! I can’t censor myself. Who the hell do I think I am?’ I have a feeling that there will be more blooper reels mostly to show people how I think. I’m actually very curious to know if other people think about shit as much as I do. And, I don’t mean think about things on a philosophical level; I mean stew, dwell, overanalyze, etc, and then shrivel and die.
Here are two very different awkward moments in life that we all at one point have faced or will face. Why did I select these two types of moments? I don’t know; they just came to me.
When do you stop?
Close friend: Doesn’t really matter. If it is too long or too short, you can make a joke out of it.
New acquaintance: Do you hug just long enough to get your arm around and then move back? One fluid movement – you’re in and then you’re out with no pause in between.
The new lover: Does whoever let go first have the upper hand? I find that when one person slowly starts the let go, the other person let’s go right away as though the other person all of a sudden has a contagious virus. So, does this person now have the upper-hand because they obviously don’t care and almost push their potential loved one away from them? The “I don’t need you anyway” manoeuvre.
What type of hug?
The ‘type’ of hug only really comes into play when it’s an acquaintance.
The one-arm hug: Always tricky if you’re facing each other. One might make the mistake of lifting the other arm for the two-arm when the other person evidently was only going for the one-arm. If you’re both coming in from the side, it’s never a problem.
The back tap hug: I’m not sure if this is offensive (offensive in the way that you’re not good enough for a real hug, just a few taps) and/or should only be done from guy to guy.
The back rub hug: A little intimate without getting the bodies close. Sometimes these are followed with regret when you realized you’ve done it because you are attracted to the other person but they already have a significant other and you know this.
European hug: Kissing is just not necessary when hugging and unless the person warns you, you are allowed to be as awkward as you need to be. It’s bad when you’re expecting the two side kiss but they’re already moving back after the one and you’re leaning in with your lips pursed. Or, if you’re really brave, you might pull them back for that second kiss because you’ve already committed. Other times, you’re not sure which side to start on and because you’re taking too long to decide and are still moving in, you end up kissing each other too close to or on the mouth.
Unexpected hug: These can be either a pleasant surprise or a disastrous awkward moment. The awkward part here is the reacting too much, almost like you’re overcompensating for the unwanted/overwhelming feelings that the unexpected hug is giving you. This hug is usually accompanied by a “Oh, well, ok!” or a “cuddles!” (that one might just be me). Of course, the realization afterwards that your reaction was obviously ‘too much’ makes you want to curl up and die.
Reaction to a dog smelling your crotch and/or butt.
This is probably one of the most awkward moments that I can think of. First of all, dogs smell other dogs’ asses and enjoy it. So, we all know what I’m getting at here. Does this mean that my crotch and/or butt smell like a dog’s ass? I don’t know if it’s because I’m a good height for crotch sniffing but almost every medium to large sized dog that I encounter smells my crotch. I’m clean! Totally…clean….
Here are the situations:
1. The dog poking its nose in your butt. You can always kind of sense when this is going to happen – let’s call it our sixth scents. We react in a variety of different ways. My way is the cheek clenching followed with an ‘oopsies!’
2. The dog poking its nose in your crotch. I try to be discreet about this one. I’ll usually just use my palm and push the dog’s head down. But, the nose in the crotch can get embarrassing when there is a larger group of people and the owner decides to yell at the dog with a “Get your nose outta there!” Again, I swear, I’m clean!
I’m thinking of making this an ongoing series. I went out with an OkCupid date and he said that he’d love it if he made the blooper reel of my online dating personal essay. I haven’t created that essay yet but I liked the idea of having a blooper reel because I’m so awkward. So, here it is. Share your stories with me! Except for you. I’ve never really liked you.