Exposing the secret crush

Do you have a secret crush?  Secret, not because you work closely with the person or because it’s actually your cousin but you’ve chosen to keep it secret because this guy/girl is not conventionally handsome/beautiful, cute nor attractive.  You fear the judgement, the accusation of bad taste (bad taste in people?  You must have bad taste in all facets of life), and the potential loss of respect.  But, there’s just something, an energy, perhaps, about that person that gives you a boner – a true or hypothetical one.

You know what I mean like that really old (no, like really old) receptionist at your office.  There’s just something about the way she sways her butt as she walks.  Or, the homeless guy who opens the door at the Tim Horton’s – the way he says ‘morning’ is just so charming.  Well, I’m guilty.  He was charming.  Whatever it is, we’ve all been there.  Let’s delve into this phenomenon a little bit as I expose to you my dirty secret crushes.

I likey you

My history in finding the ‘unconventionals ‘ attractive go back to at least Grade 3.  I remember a new kid came in to class on the first day dragging his foot behind him.  I guess he had hurt his ankle?  But, it was unclear because who drags their foot like fucking Quasimodo, injured or not?  Anyway, even at 8 years old, I liked his willingness to show his vulnerability.  I found it interesting.  Of course, I never told anyone that and when he finally told me he liked me, I said “EW BOYS!!” and ran away. 

Might this have been a love wasted?  Well, he also had weird, fuzzy, straw hair that I wasn’t sure I could get over.

Grade 7

Let’s now fast forward to my hormone-ridden years.  It was the year I got my period.  The year, I realized I needed a bra when I volunteered to demonstrate something in front of the class which, unfortunately for me and perhaps to the boys’ enjoyment, involved running-on-the-spot.  Anyway, there was a boy named Michael who I found hilarious but again, wasn’t close to being a hottie.  I almost threw up from nerves the day my teacher sat us beside each other.  It was the day I had my first boner.  When I told my friends that I had a crush on him, I knew I was putting myself out there.  They were all, “What??  Michael?!?  Reeeeeeally??  Weird.”  But, I did it to my dismay.  The following week, every cool, pretty chick had the hots for Michael and that’s when I knew, I would never have him for myself. 

Might this have been a love wasted?  Well, he had a little bit of a pigeon-toe thing happening which was a bit disconcerting.  I always wondered how he played basketball without tripping.

My golden boy

Every time he comes on the screen, I just can’t turn my eyes.  Maybe it’s his beady eyes, his snaggle-tooth, or the way it sounds like he’s always on the verge of spitting when he talks.  Maybe it’s his attitude, the versatility in his acting – from creepy pedophile to vulnerable loner to gangster, or his obvious lack of sex appeal.  I don’t know what it is but Steve Buscemi is my golden boy.  It took me a few years after seeing him in Fargo to express this crush openly.  I can’t make you understand it nor do I want to.  Unfortunately for me, he’s a celebrity, he’s married and unfortunately for him, he will never know me.

Might this have been a love wasted?  Well, obviously.


I have many other examples of crushes I’ve had on ‘unconventionals’ – the stutterer, my insane desire for gingers, the dirty gino, the bad body-odoured, the geek – and I’m sure you have too.  These crushes are natural and if you have no idea what I’m talking about, well I feel sorry for you.  You’re missing out on a lot of fun.  I would also love to hear if you have a secret crush on me.  Perhaps we can exchange phone numbers?  Please?  I’ve been single for a long time.  Even if you have a weird growth or a speech impediment where you say your Rs as Ws.  I have room for you, too!  ….a lot of room….


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