This was a ‘voice’ exercise – writing a character’s moving defense, justifying oneself in a form of a monologue.
My room is my sanctuary. It has all I need in life; a computer with internet, my bed, my PS3, and a stash of marijuana in between my mattresses. It’s off-limits to everyone except for my mom who has permission to poke her head in to give me food. She always asks me how I can spend so many days at a time in my room because it smells like armpits and the air is as thick as humid Toronto summers. I always respond with how wicked my room is, thank her for the food, and tell her to go knit or something. If I don’t, she’ll just stand there and stare at me like an annoying mom would.
Something I learned in school is that we all have things we are good at. I’m definitely better than you at taking apart and putting computers back together again. I’ll even make you a computer from scratch – just tell me the specs you want and poof, done! I might verbally sound like I’m dumb and people have called me all kinds of names but they’ve never played me at videogames. I’d challenge anyone to a first person shooter videogame especially one with zombies. Even with a blindfold over my eyes, I’d kick your ass. No, no, wait, get me super stoned, blindfold me and, even tie one hand behind my back and I’d still kick your mother fucking ass. I’m just kidding! You’re not really a mother fucker.
I have obsessions with things. Have you heard of Family Guy? If you haven’t, you’ve got to watch it. There’s an episode where the dad sings a song that goes “bird, bird, bird is the word”. It’s high-larious. I love to smoke weed. My doctor tells me that smoking kills but what does he know? Smoking makes my obsessive thoughts go away. Normally, I can’t stop singing “bird, bird, bird is the word” in my head because it’s so funny. I ask people if they know ‘the bird is the word’ because it’s all I can think of. Sometimes they laugh, and other times they tell me to ‘shut up’ or even punch me. My teacher always responds “word to Big Bird.” I like it so I ask her more than once a day. It’s confusing when people get mad at me for saying it when they were laughing about it just the day before.
There are a lot of things I don’t understand. For example, Tania kept telling me how hot her ass was and slapped it as she said it. So, the next time I saw her, I slapped her ass and said “Hot ass, Tania!” She kicked me really hard in the back of my thigh and called me a pervert. It was pretty painful. She kick boxes. Speaking of babes, Melissa is my favourite girl in class. I’ve given her the nickname ‘Betty Boop’ because of her large tits. She’s so patient, helps me with my work, and keeps reminding me to stay out of trouble. It’s really not my fault that I get into trouble, though. I have Aspergers, Tourettes, and ADD.